Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Before God, I am a whore no more

I had been banished by my hometown people. I used to work as a maid in houses. One evening, while returning from work it was darker than I realized. I was cornered in a back alley and raped. I knew the guy. From a house where I worked in. His wife was a beautiful lady. He was very rich with too many connections. He ran after the act was done thereby giving me a clue not to bother with any kind of help and I told no one of what happened because I was ashamed.
Unfortunately God had other plans. I became pregnant. When my parents became aware of this, they just threw me out of the home. They did not ask me how. They assumed I had become a slut. Not once was I given a chance to explain. Nor did I feel like explaining. 
When I approached the father of my child, he did not hesitate to title me “A Whore’ and recommended an abortion. When he figured I was not going to go ahead with the abortion, he donated me some land on the out skirts of the town, near the river. The condition was I would not reveal him out. I took it. Not for myself but for my unborn child.
It was raining the day my parents threw me out. At that point I did not care to divulge who had gotten me into that state. It did not matter anymore.
I only had the clothes that I wore on myself that day. I headed out of town. I saw a lady and a son walking on the other side of the street.
After a glance at me, some kind of recognition dawned on that woman. She immediately got hold of her son and started walking faster. The boy objected and she shouted “That’s a Whore.. I don’t want you to see her.. A whore A whore” and almost seemed to get into a run to get away from me.
For more than a moment I stood at the same spot, blinded by grief. I felt a pain I had never before felt. I was gripped with these emotions and felt the world treat me so unfair.
I knew I had lost the desire to live. I started to run towards the river and the out skirts of the town.
I could see the river now. It was swirling and the rain water had added a lot of undercurrents. I could not wait to get into it and disappear. As I ran blinded by rain and grief, I tripped and fell.
I got up now totally sullied in mud and water. I picked up the stone that had tripped me wanting to throw it into the river. But the stone was much heavier than I thought.
I looked down at my hands and saw I held a statue of a Pillayar. (God Ganesha ) It was a beautifully carved piece. I just held it in my hands not realizing the weight of the idol.
The idol was completely black but speckled in grey dots throughout. It was truly beautiful. While I held it in my hands and wept, a strength crept through me. I knew I should never have thought of taking one life let alone that of two. 
I felt I had been given help from above to finish walking my life. I went to the river and washed myself and the idol and brought the idol back to the high ground. Looking around I saw an arasa maram (tree) and placed the idol facing east.
It was then I stopped to see where I was. I observed an old building nearby and there was a light shining in the front. I knocked on the front door. The door opened and an old lady stepped out. One look at me and she held me by the hand and took me in. That small gesture of kindness and gentleness brought a torrent of tears to my eyes.
She held me while I sobbed and then brought me dry clothes to wear. She made me some tea and then readied a cot for me to sleep in. I was too exhausted to talk and just wanted to lie down. I must have slept as soon as my head touched the pillow that the next thing I knew was morning. It must have been really late in the morning.
The old lady was washing some pots and pans. I got up and went to where she was. That morning we discovered each other. Her name was Lakshmi. She owned that small building and she made a living by cooking meals for the road side customers. I told her mine. She just listened and told me I could stay with her as long as I wanted. I did.
Lakshmi amma became my mother and my son her grandchild. Lakshmi amma took me to the hospital in an other town for delivery. She became more than a mother to me. I started to take over Lakshmi’s work so she found more time to spend with my son. 
The only thing that tied me to the past was that piece of paper which showed I owned some land near the river and my Pillayar. We all visited the Pillayar everyday. I had even made a small makeshift tent to shield my Pillayar from the weather. I visited the alamaram (tree) and the Pillayar more than once a day as time permitted.
On one of these visits I spotted him. He was leaning curiously over my Pillayar. I stood behind a tree not far from him and observed him. He must have felt my observation as he turned to look at me. I hid behind the tree.
He sat beside the Pillayar and waited for me to step out from behind the tree. I gathered up some courage and peeped out once more. This time I could see his face clearly. His face had the gentleness that shone even at that distance. But his eyes held me. I could see in them the kindness that great souls have.
I walked over and we started to talk. He told he was the new teacher in town. He had a place to stay in town and he had been walking by the river when he saw this Vinayaka idol and the makeshift temple. I started to tell him my story but could not finish as my sobs overtook me.
He waited for me to finish crying and then he spoke. His voice so gentle he asked “Why are you still living in the past?” . I was stunned by that question. And then I was angry that he judged me. So I said “No I am not living in the past. Now I have Lakshmi and my son in my life.”
His voice continued with the same kind tenderness, “You are still living in the past. Why did you cry?” . Slowly he explained the reason and importance of living in the NOW. He explained with the same patience and gentleness that this is the moment. This is all we have. Once you let the past go and start living in the NOW you will be free of the hurt and do not have to carry the past on your shoulders anymore. When I told him I still could not enter the town as people still called me the whore, he told me just be yourself and do not react to that situation. By being in that moment you will feel the Presence. And to experience the Presence is the purpose of taking this birth.
I sat and listened and knew I had found my Guru and teacher. 
He wanted to teach my son to become educated and so he came every day to the Pillayar and they both sat and my son took lessons from him.
I felt more gratitude and knew that I owed it to all to my Pillayar as I had always prayed to him to educate my child. Countless are the days that I cried to God to take care of my child, for him not to suffer because of me. It had been my habit to rush to my Pillayar and cry when I came across problems. Sometimes I would just think of my Pillayar to feel a relief in my mind. And now he had brought us our teacher. 
Once I understood the need and reason to live in the NOW, things were much smoother for me. I had positive energy to focus on my son and with the help and love and support from Lakshmi amma and the Teacher, my son emerged into a bright young man, very well educated.
My health deteriorated due to the advent of cancer. I refused treatment. I knew my time was up. But now I could go with a peace of mind. The land I owned near the river now fetched an attractive sum. With its sales I divided the money in 3 equal parts. One for Laskhmi amma and one for my teacher and one for my son. Lakshmi ammal and my teacher gave their share back to my son. 
I requested him to donate some money for abused women. He fulfilled my wish by creating a shelter to provide refuge for abused and battered women. Together he and Teacher ran the shelter. 
Lakshmi amma decided to move into the shelter to live there permanently and dedicated her life to help more young women. I went to see my Pillayar one last time. The new town development had built a temple for my very own idol. 
I could only gaze at my God quietly, thankful and grateful, for having always been there for me. Standing before God, I realized my purpose of life and I could see the turning point was that God had shown I was at par with other creations of his. Before God, I know now, I am a whore no more.

No comments: